I think that, despite popular belief, family doesn't really have that large of an influence in how a child is raised. Just as I believe that 90 percent of a person's personality is genetic, I also believe that the only "nuture" aspect in that is that the society you live in, the family that raises you, and the situations you are put in only dictate how accepting you are of yourself.

Here is where I come to a screeching hault, however.

I come from a family that is bone dry in the appreciation department. Example. For those of you in relationships, whether romantic or not, imagine going a week without appreciating your significant other. Imagine never saying "I love you." Assuming you have aquired the guts to tell them "I love you", you know that it's almost a strange thing to not hear it. As overrated as the phrase is growing to be (due to it's popular use among youth and adolescent relationships), it underestimated in its subliminal potential and necessity.

At home, I never hear "I love you". I never hear "thank you for taking sasha to ballet" or "could you please not play piano? my show is on." I go through my day to day family life following orders, doing favors, and going out of my way... and never get even a thank you.

On the phone with my mom, I never hear an "I love you" either. And with how much that woman expects from me, with my constant job search and her need for my success, when I am able to do something right, there is to feeling of accomplishment for me because I am always under the expectation that I didn't do good enough.

Example. When i took my G.E.D. test, I placed in the 99th percentile on the writing. While i was trying to explain how amazing that is, being that I am not of natural born writing ability, my mother's first question was what my lowest score was and why I didn't do better. I know she has good intentions, but they go in the opposite direction upon delivery. Good idea, Bad execution.


I guess my entire family is prepared for the hardships and cruelty of society except for me, but it just seems that when I hit rock bottom, I will have nobody to support me.

I think it's just the holiday season
that makes me realize that this facade they put on every day
really isn't real.

-Masha

Apparently, it is a 5 subject type of thing with 2 hours alloted to each subject.
I came in at 1:30 and i was supposed to have a time limit on my first test (science) by 3:30. Somehow, despite the bubble testing, the erasable pen which never really worked, my obsessive compulsions with the filling in of the bubbles, mr. sneezy sniffly man behind me, and the asian teaching assistant with strange veiny cankles, I was able to complete 50 questions of science, 50 questions of Social Studies, and the entire 40 question reading portion... before 3:30.

Great.

This leaves me with an hour to just hang around and chill at the willow house, who thankfully got a new keyboard on their public computer. Sure, I am grateful, but if only the brand new black keyboard could compensate for how devastatingly slow this computer is anyway... but at least now i can type quickly and comfortably.

I was at burger king between school and g.e.d. testing today and i saw the most bizzare person ever.

It was this lady, she looked about 19 or so, and i assume she was homeless from the clothes and the tattered napsack... But she looked like she had very very severe sun poisening / the most horrific sunburn i have ever seen. Her face and arms were bloated and puffy, or so it seemed, and were bright pink. I was sitting outside enjoying my fat cholesterol burger with a surving of cocaine-coke... when she walked outside and started shouting in a tone you use when addressing a dog who just took a shit on your prom dress. She screamed,
"TURN ME AROUND NOW!"
not "Turn me around, now" or "turn me around, NOW" but one giant slew of anger and dissappointment. There were a few cars in the parking lot when this happened, so i assumed she was talking to someone.. but as everyone but me left, she was screaming at nobody.

I was a little scared, i must say, so i got in my car and started to leave. I backed up and saw her standing right behind my car in the side-view mirror. She screamed "TURN ME AROUND NOW" again and walked away. As i was pulling away, she yelled it at this business man with a pink shirt and a blue tie, eating his garden salad while walking back to work. He looked at her and started walking faster.

What did she want?
Ah!

Anyway,
other than my disbelief that public schooling was so pointless today, i am in a fairly good mood with the educational system, society, humanity, and burger king. As i told kerry once, the 3rd burger always tastes the best...
Until the homeless lady screams.

-Masha

and i graduate in november!

lets see how today goes with....
school registration
2 hour english class
4 hour g.e.d. testing
starting a debit card account with the bank
gym
picking sasha up from school..
and etc.

and im burning a rap cd!
oh yea.
   
=Masha

 How do you expect me to be close to you when you're so distant?

I want to see her and i have all means of doing so,
but she keeps holding it off.
Personal matters, i suppose.
I know of them... i tried to help (but if you've been reading, its not been so helpful)
and..

well..

I just want to make her happy.
but in the end,
its just another case of

GAY GIRL DRAMA!
tune in next week!


-Masha

At Woods Academy.

Because of their "block" periods,
I will get my diploma by November 30th.
Happy new year to me!

I plan on taking the G.E.D. test on monday,
and enrolling for the HS the next day.
My days would consist of...

From OCT 10 - NOV 30
8:30-10:30am - English Class
Whenever I have free time, I would take a Government Class as an Independent Study and finish that by Nov, but with how much free time i have, expect that done in a week.

I need

• 1/2 credit writing - taking at HS until november.

• 1/2 credit english - Might test out from previous PC course i took, I could test out with the school, I could test out with the G.E.D. I pretty much dont have to take it

• 1/2 credit government - Independent study with the school, 30 day online class, test out, etc.

I talked to the VP and the Principal at the HS and they are totally up for me enrolling.
I have all of the sheets filled out for enrollment and all the required paperwork.

1. Birth Certificate (2 copies)
2. Immunization records (1 copy in 4 formats)
3. Withdrawel slip from ASA
4. AIMS test scores
5. Official Transcript
6. Course descriptions

I have it all. I am excited.
Everything will work out as planned,
even though i won't be able to get a job during the daytime. Nights and weekends are fine to... Did i mention that the school runs from Monday through Thursday?

FREE FRIDAYS FOR ME!

Well,
its time to do laundry, burn CD's for kira, fill my tank, call my girlfriend, charge my phone, clean my room, pack a few boxes, and get ready for life.
I love you all!
-Masha

In that i found out that i really do not have the answers to everything. I can't give advice on every topic. I realized this and now i feel sort of like a type of failure in my inability to help her. That was bad enough news, but with the topic at hand, there was so much good advice to be given but  none of the right words were coming out of my mouth.

I hope everything today goes as planned
with the GED
PC advisor
Bank
Notary
Woods Academy

and i hope that i stop having dreams about smoking because its the 3rd one so far.
UGH!

-Masha

so, day one of quitting smoking.

fuck.

I have two packs with me, camel silvers and parliment lights. Any takers?
As for everything else in my life, i think its LJ love time.

I am officially back in business, and this well end up being more of a personal account than anything. Friend cut, anyone? I think so.

Officially  sorta quasi friends only, but more like... masha time!
Sp I recently got myself a little to-do journal. It's an 8" by 5" thing... little, red, and cute
And i have been writing in it all day, which i don't find to be a problem. now i can store my maps, addresses, little lists, song lyrics, awesome quotes, grocery lists, and random dreams that i remember... now all i need is a cute little pencase and i will be golden

I talked to my phoenix college advisor today, talked to woods academy where i am getting my diploma soon, and my best case scenario is a diploma by december, a ged within the next week, and a job next month from 8-4 at 12 an hour (i have 4 lined up, i just need a ged.)

worst case, i dont get the ged and i get the diploma from a HS in may with one class a week and dont get a job until May, which would suck. alot.

On another random note, I am still heavily addicted to caffeine which is currently supplementing me which i get over my addiction to cigarettes. My mom and I made this contract. In january, i am taking a nicotine test which shows the nicotine in your system from the past 3 months. If it comes up negative, I am golden and i keep my car. If it comes up positive, i am buying my own car as they sell this one.

Oi.

SO! I have almost tossed out the cigarettes and i swear i havent had one since she told me the deal...
i'm a little worried because i started smoking when i started drinking, (they kinda go hand in hand...)
so i have also decided to stop drinking, despite popular belief.

For example, at kira's party, i plan to leave after everyone gets stupid drunk because there will be no reason for me to really be there.
And its her 18th birthday, so HOO-HAA!

On another random note, and this is to my mother who might be reading this...



So... to end this in a fashinable manner...
IM EXCITED FOR LIFE!

Love always,
-Masha

UPDATE ON THE LIFE OF MARY!

• Theatre - I am working on Thoroughly Modern Millie at phoenix theatre (Deck Crew) and it has been the best theatre experience of my life thus yet. Everything has been marvelous, the crew is wonderful, the actors are wonderful, and the show (though being a musical) is actually really good, sweet, and funny too! As for the hours, i am working from 5-11 weekdays (except equity monday i have off) and on weekends, i work from 11am to 11pm running flyrail, set pieces, handing off props, setting up stage, and running off of those light bulb cues and a headset. Wahoo. It's absolutely intense and i love every second of it.
• High School - I have decided that what i need from school i can get outside of it, so i have been looking into starting my degree in technical theatre early. How early, may you ask? A.S.A.P. Today i had a meeting with my school concerning all of this crazy nonsense and for an hour and a half they tried to talk me out of leaving ASA. what they failed to mention was the reason. When i signed up at ASA, that was $5,000 dollars to the school. For everyday i kept attending, it was 10 dollars. Graduating would be around 12, 000. YAY BEING A NUMBER!
• Work - Laserquest and I are not on a good relationship due to my schooling and all that noise. So, pretty much, i resigned. They need to find a more committed employee anyway since theatre takes over my life and its all crazy and i have no time to actually work nights and weekends as they request. Basically, I am making my resume and sending it into my mom who does that shit for a living. To pay for my classes for the first semester in college (12 credits) I need somewhere around 750 dollars. Thats 4 weeks work at a full time job. So... if i work 8 weeks at a well paying law firm, i will be able to pay for a year of college. GREAT YAY!
• College - I have the best advisor that i could ask for from phoenix college.  He is awesome, funnny, and watches as much Law and Order as I do. Yay! I am signing up for a dual enrollment at a high school so i can get my college classes and my last year of HS english at one time. I am getting my Associates of Arts - Theatre Production emphasis... that takes so many credits, but whatever. I am willing to work for it so that i can eventually get my B.A. in theatre and intern at a company somewhere (it doesnt matter where).
  
• Love - I have been with my ex tsui jen for a while now, and no I really don't care what you think. She has gotten me off the bad habits that I was on previous (pot, caffeine, eating poorly, and no physical activity) while she herself is getting her life back in order. I love her all over again and it feels great. I am a person with an addictive personality and she tailors to that. We are also both at the same stages in our life of rebirth and realigning everything in ourselves. Both starting back in college, Both working to get jobs and move out/in soon enough. Natasha is coming back from Uof A and my january, she will have an apartment and if all goes well, Natasha, Seth, Tsui, and I will all share rent of a beautiful 3 story 2 bed 2 bath apartment in downtown phoenix.
  
• Health - Tsui is taking Ju-Jitsu classes 2 times a week, and I plan on rockclimbing and re-enrolling back in my gym, and i haven't drank in a while to be honest. Once the winter rolls around, i will have free time during the day since i wont be in school to run, work out, eat healthy, and cook from home thank god. Sadly, i started smoking. I blame theatre. The only time i have to take any breaks is for cigarette breaks and with a crew of 12, all of whom smokers, there wasnt anything to stop me, not that it mattered much anyway. But on the flipside, i take vitamins everyday!!!
  
• Family - My dad has degenerative sanity. My mom understand why I am never home and we are working out a schedule around his chaotic mind. Me and my sister are getting along better than ever and she is starting to accept the fact that i am going away to college and things will be more distant between both of us. I still take her to the dentist and pick her up from ballet 3 times a week when i can.
• Friends - Christina and Kira have been so damn supporting with everything that i am doing for myself, which is great. I love and appreciate them so damn much and never take the time to really tell them so. Matt is going to fix my car sometime soon, as i really need a tune up but also 100 dollars to pay for the parts, so hopefully i'll figure something out soon enough. Ricky is helping me make my halloween costume which is going to be Leeloo from the fifth element in the bandages in the first scene. Oh yea. Orange hair, one yard of fabric on my body, and DAMN i need that gym more than i thought, eh? Barrett is getting progressively better which is good. (He was hit by a car recently and is in recovery.) I plan to see him sometime next week when i am out of school.

I want to be happy. I want my family to be happy and to look forward to the next morning.

I just came back from Jacksonville, Florida. I took a bumpy flight home and upon arriving in the state of arizona alone...the patchwork of the fields and the dirt and the mountains got to me. It was was terena would call a "culture shock". I came home and I was completely disguisted to be here. I was on my was home driving behind a garbage truck which was depositing papers and banana peels and then i realized something. Everyone in arizona is constantly driving behind a garbage truck. Thesituation is not that bad to where we can notice that it is causing us discomfort and unhappiness, but we continue to drive through the bad construction and the traffic and we constantly wipe the shit off of ourselves and move forward.

My mother hasn't gotten a promotion in 10 years. She has been in Human Resources for about 13 and she is still working for the same company. (My mom is in the metaphorical car that doesnt mind being behind the garbage truck because it's comfortable and the other lanes are too risky to try and she has valuable passangers.)


-Thanks ahead of time,
Mary

Come here girl, go head be gone with it
Come to the back, go head be gone with it
VIP, drinks on me
Lemme see what you're twerking with
Look at those hips
Make me smile
Go 'head child and get your sexy on

I'm bringin' sexy back
Them other fuckers don't know how to act
Girl let me make up for all the things you lack
Because you're burning up I got to get it fast


(WHO KNOWS IT!? HUH? HUH? HUH?!)

(Power color - Indigo)

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"


...

fuck.

I just got pulled over for driving the speed limit on a Friday night. The officer asked if I had been drinking or was on any illegal drugs. I said no. He asked me where I lived. I said North Phoenix. He asked why I was in such a bad neighborhood at 11:30. I told him I was visiting my girlfriend and I wanted to make it home before my legal curfew at 12. He nodded. He told me to roll up my windows, turn my music down a little bit, and lock my doors. Then he told me to get on the freeway as soon as possible and to not stop for anyone until I was home.

Weird.

-Mary  

This whole caffeine craze is getting to my head to the point where i wake up in the morning with headaches until i fufill my body's need for it.

--

There are so many things that i want to get done today, so don't mind the useless rambling of ideas which need to be put into action today.

Orders of Business:

+ Secure plenty of nails into the wall so i can finally hang up my mirror.
+ Do my fucking laundry
+ Resize my puppy shirt by sewing the edges and the straps
+ Scheduale my appointment with the hair dresser
+ Ask around for face painting materials as i have a job on sat-sun that requires them.
+ Re-do my friends photo collage on the wall as it is a tad bit outdated.
+ Reconsider what friends i do have.
+ Find all of my magazines and then make use of them in a basket downstairs in the bathroom.
   ( I have always wanted to do that but never found the time and i have way too many mags anyways.)
+ throw away the 12 rockstar cans in my room (and i wonder why i am addicted?)
+ Do something good for my body, physically
+ Do something good for my mind...
+ And because I am a little vain,
   - tweeze eyebrows
   - deep condition hair
   - wash sneakers
   - deep clean face!
+ Start on burnt CD collection for FL, since all of my music will left at home.
+ Speaking of Florida, I should definitely start looking for all of my bags and then packing them.
+ Open my windows and enjoy the weather.
+ Start reading crowley. Seriously.
+ Dont forget the library books! I need to read them! Soon!
---

side note:
I really really miss Kayla. My respect for her coping SkillZ with life grows every day. And speaking of coping skillz, Spencer is great with those.
Sometimes i just don't know how to handle family, my outlook on life, and the rest of it... But talking to him really refreshes the positive.

not so side note:
Terena's birthday is coming up! and 6 days after that is our 9 month anniversary, which will either be spent on our way or IN Jacksonville, Florida. Wahoo!

I had a dream that me and terena were crossdressers in mexico and she was being attacked in an alley and i couldnt come help her because my 8 inch heel to my man-boot was stuck in the mud, so i ran naked through the alley and kicked the guys ASS. To get our costumes, we went through a giant factory that matched shoes and dresses by size... but since my feet were so big, all the dresses in my category were huge.

The next dream i had was almost a fucking disney movie. I was kicked out of ASA for bad behavior and secretly started attending this school in north phoenix where i was admitted to the ice-skating class because of my ballet training. Lucky for me, i pretended to be an amazing ice-skater and they sent me to a competition where you laid pretty jewelry on the ice-rink and you skated around it, trying to make a song for each piece.... i ended up with a shimmery blue heart.. so when i started actually skating, "my heart will go on" started playing... and i was ignited somehow with the russian spirit because i skated really really well and the captions for my turns and for the song in my mind were in russian, which i can't read, but i could in my dream... i won the competition and showed the school that they were worth something.. and this big black instructor who could have been shaq but kind of looked like my old choir teacher, MR SIMS... handed me a medal... which i couldnt recieve on behalf of the school because i didnt actually go there. He said i had a good spirit and gave it anyway.

terena was living at the winchel - coffee and donut place downtown with her crazy asian mother... It started off that i was in a parking lot heading over there where my car was parked at 2 in the morning and i wanted to stop and get coffee, where i met terena. she offered me coffee and said that the coffee was better than the coffee at the willow house. I agreed, so we got in my car to get to school on time because the clock in my car was the size that they normally have in class-rooms, and it was wrong... (i couldnt read it) so we got to my school at 6:45 instead of 7:45 and i started crying. She told me it was okay and we went back to winchells and i asked her what would happen when her mom moved away because she owned the store and terena said that it would be our store that we could do anything with.... so we decided to do fast-food coffee. you come in and you ask for coffee and we give it to you, and it would be cheaper than willow house and have amazing russian pastries. Man, i want a pastry.

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though

And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time when I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree

I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
Cuz its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day that you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

Exactly what I mean

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground

"What is that sticker stand for? ....Human Rights Organization? What is that?... Ensuring what rights? The right to die?.... What human rights do people have?...That's not a right. You aren't born to get married...Gay marriage? Why do you support gay marriage?... They aren't people, they are a mistake. Like cancer... like... like AIDS. These peoplare a genetic defect. Something was wrong when they were born... It's not their fault, it's their parents fault for fucking them up when they shouldnt have had kids anyway... Back in Russia, if anyone caught two gays, they would send them to jail. I think that that was just a waste of time. They actually should have just been eliminated. Do you think drugs are good? No? Why? Because they are bad for the person...Same thing with gay people... It is just that they are a disease for people. Back in russia, i learned about the Inca civilization... the reason their civilization was so amazing was that they found gay people and set them on fire until they died, of course... i dont understand why we dont do that now. Its the same thing as if you were to marry a black guy. I would never talk to you again. And if i ever caught somebody doing that to you, god... i would fuck them and you up... i am a better father than to have that happen to my kid. i would kill you."

--Yuri Zapalov

Accomplishments of the day:
Taught the dog to come when called
Taught the dog to chase after the ball...
Thank you card from the guy who's dog i returned
Perfected myspace profile... Yea, that's an accomplishment, damnit.
Downloaded "Oh Comely" - Neutral Milk Hotel
Got The Arcade Fire cd from Elena...
Snuck by the MVD with only 4 months of permit
Allowed to take the driving test
Learned to parallel park,
with little cardboard boxes on the floor
which i couldnt see
in the dark
with my mom
who can't parallel park herself.
I can say i am the parallel park artisan of the year.

Accomplishments of the Summer so far:
+Bought the ticket to Florida with Terena, I leave July 11th, on our 9 month anniversary. I get back 3 days before school returns. Yipee!
+Spent 2 weeks with Terena, the second school got out. Eventually, i came home and now i am learning to deal with my parents again.
+Met Kayla, finally. That was amazing, because she is so fucking awesome!
+ACTUALLY Met Spencer. Oh yea. So i had kind of known him before, but I actually consider him a damn good friend now. Go Spencer!
+Fell in love with every single CD in his car...thank god for you, spencer
+Used a few dusty things in my backyard with some close friends, not to mentionthe
+CUPCAKE PARTY!
+which all of you except (you you and you) missed.
+Waterworld with Christina
+4 trips to Denny's
+2 graduation parties
+18 family members revisted on my wife's side
+Saw X Men 3 recommended
+Saw Art school Confidential (Had Kate Moennig in it, but otherwise) NOT RECOMMENDED
+Saw "The Break Up" which was surprisingly well done

plane ticket to Florida -me
high heels - gold - me and mom
high heels - black - me and mom
2 packs of socks (6 pair) - me
converse - brown - me
white swimsuit - me
pink striped boys shirt - me
jean capris - me
white push up bra - me
black strapless bra - me
kickass brown cuffed jacket - me
white skirt - me
blue skirt - me

orange tee - sasha
converse - pink - sasha
pink skirt - sasha
underwear - sasha
colored swimsuit - sasha
socks - sasha
black dance pants - sasha
orange pants - sasha
pink shirt - sasha
yellow shirt - sasha
pink vest - sasha

white blouse - mom
red sports bra - mom
black sports pants - mom
white bra - mom
cream blouse - mom
other things? - mom
and something else that i am forgetting - mom


+All year pass to Water World
+Video Games for Sasha and I.

Why are we so fucking crazy!!?? you may ask...

well, nobody really got anything on their birthday because it was drought in the bank season....
so, we are giving back to... ourselves.
for being so damn cool.

450 dollars later, (not including plane ticket or water world or video games)
i feel spoiled.